One

The first foster baby we ever had turned one today.  He was placed with us just 2 days after his birth, and stole our hearts nearly as quickly.  He became beloved brother, son, grandson, great-grandson, nephew, cousin, and was sweet baby "J" to all our friends.  All who met him fell in love with his big brown eyes, his soft baby curls, his melt-your-heart smile.  He was family.  And then, nearly as quickly as he'd entered our lives, he left.

I tried to be happy for him, but 9 months later it is still a struggle.  We are missing his first steps, first words, first foods.  We don't get to see his personality begin to come out and define who he will be.  We loved him without guard, without abandon.  We loved him like he deserved to be loved, and then we let him go.

Today our church celebrated student ministry Sunday, and I was blessed to see these awesome young men and women stand up in front of our community of believers and lead us in worship, pray with and for us, and share a little glimpse into their lives.  Two of the students were baptized this morning, and as they shared their testimonies, I thought about how proud their parents must be of the path their children are choosing.  What an amazing legacy they are leaving ~ 1 John 1:4 says, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.", and that is absolutely how I feel.  When Maya makes up songs that worship God or Charlotte tells me that her favorite activity is MOVE (children's choir) because "God and Jesus are the best things in the universe" or Milo tells me he was "yeally byave" in the car when he saw a spider because "I knew God was with me", my heart just about explodes.  It breaks my heart that, in most cases, I won't get to experience that with our foster babies, and more than that, that I won't know whether or not they are hearing the Truth.  They are in our lives when they are young, but most of the time will go back home or to family, and with little exception we will never hear from them or about them again.

The tears don't come as frequently now as they did when "J" first left, but they still sneak up on me every now and then.  When people tell me that they could never foster because they would get too attached, I have to just smile because getting too attached is exactly what these kids need.  We are told all the time that we are so great and so special and so amazing for doing what we do, and while I do appreciate the encouragement (believe me, on tough days sometimes that is all I have to go on!), you need to know that we are just average people, doing a hard thing and getting hurt over and over.  But we are also average people who are being blessed by doing exactly what God has called us to do.  This year has been a rollercoaster of high highs and low lows, and I'm thankful for each moment.

Worth It by Francesca Battistelli

Love's not a feeling, love's not convenient
But I know love can change your life
Love takes sacrifice, love cuts like a knife
Sometimes love will make you cry
Love's not easy but it's worth it

(his face is blurred in the pictures for privacy)

One Year Down

Where do I even begin?  This has been a crazy year for our family.  We just recently passed the one year anniversary of being licensed foster parents, and in that time have had nine placements in and out of our home.  Currently we have two sweet but BUSY toddlers, in addition to our three birth kiddos.  To say that life has been hectic is very much an understatement!  But, if you've talked to me at all about our family or foster care, you will know that I feel very strongly that we are exactly where God wants us to be, and we have grown and changed and learned and been abundantly blessed by this calling.  Our eyes have been opened to a whole new world.  I've had to have a lot of conversations with Maya this past year about the reasons parents can't take care of their kids, either for a season or forever.
We have seen the joy of families reunited and cheered on birth parents fighting for their kids.
We have picked up newborn babies from the hospital nursery while their mamas were still recovering from giving birth.
We have experienced the heartbreak of kids asking why mommy and daddy didn't show up for their visit, and tried to cover up our own anger and sadness while we stretched the truth, even making ourselves the "bad guy" so the kids wouldn't feel abandoned again.
We have comforted babies who were missing their mamas after they were removed from the only home they'd ever known in the middle of the night.
We have held down children as they received well-past-due immunizations, and cried real tears with them as they were poked and prodded and examined for signs of abuse.
We have spent more time in emergency rooms and doctors offices than in all my previous years of parenting combined.
We have been asked questions about medical history over and over that we could not answer.
We have had our hearts ripped into a million tiny pieces as children we loved like our own were moved from our home with little warning, knowing that we would never find out how they were doing.
We have hit our knees more times than I can count, asking God to change our hearts toward birth parents, to heal the damage done by neglect, to protect our older children and our marriage, to give these children a hope and a future like He promises in Jeremiah 29:11.
We have seen our birth kids fall in love with their foster siblings and then let them go and rejoice at their reunification with their families.
We have seen children make huge leaps developmentally as they become comfortable in a loving home.
We have been exhausted and distraught and overscheduled and hopeless.
We have been overjoyed and fulfilled and full of hope.

We'll Just Pretend Those 6 Months Didn't Happen

I was going to try to do a recap of the past 6 months, but that's too overwhelming to think about so I'mma start fresh.  Brief update: the kids are good, we got a puppy, we've had 6 foster kids come and go (read about that at my other neglected blog, which I hope to update soon, hisplanmyhope.com).

It's spring!  Well, sortof.  It was nice enough a few times over the past couple weeks that we got outside for a bit.  Otis (puppy) is much better behaved when he's had lots and lots and LOTS of exercise chasing the kids outside.  We have taken him to 2 different puppy classes and boarded him a few times, and all of the trainers have commented on how "excited" or "energetic" he is.  Maybe some day he'll be calm enough to snuggle, cause a snuggly puppy he is not!  But he's cute, and he's fun, and he's learning his manners ~ can't ask for much more than that!

Pictures :)

It took me 10 days to convince Charlotte that this picture needed to be shared :)

Milo, on the other hand, loves cheesing it up for the camera

Sisters, secrets.

The kids at our coop singing "Thrive" at our end of year celebration

Charlotte with one of her friends, Katherine

Backyard shenanigans, unstaged

Milo performing a spell, probably "expelliarmos"

I love Milo's ingenuity ~ he needed both hands, so he came up with a water-cup-holder\

Reflections

"J" left our home 2 weeks ago today, and I can say with certainty that we have NEVER felt loved more than we have in these last 14 days.  We had so many people send us messages, bring meals, offer a listening ear or a hug, and pray for our family.  It's incredible the blessing that you receive when you do something hard.

I didn't want "J" to leave.  When we started this process we were very secure in our decision to do foster care rather than straight adoption, but the moment they placed that sweet baby in my arms at the hospital, I felt a protectiveness over him that I did not expect.  In our conversations with people, Michael and I continued to maintain that the best place for "J" was with his family, but in my selfishness I truly believed that he was better off with us.  I prayed that God would take away these thoughts, and I prayed daily for his birth parents, but in my heart of hearts I continued to struggle with the fact that this was not my child.

The truth is, none of my children are "mine".  Not "J", and not Maya, Charlotte, or Milo.  They all belong to God, and we are given them to care for and raise for Him for as long as His plan allows.  Michael and I have known this since before Maya was born, and in our nightly prayers I always thank God for the privilege we have to raise these amazing children that He has given to us for this time.  Until "J" left, though, I don't think I truly understood how powerful that blessing really is.  To be a part of a child's life, whether they were given to you through birth, foster care, or adoption, is an unbelievable gift.

Although it is still hard for me to understand the brokenness of this world, I have seen small glimmers of what God was doing through our short time with "J".  This tiny baby impacted so many.  There are several families that were so moved by "J" that they are now considering becoming foster parents, even after seeing the hurt that comes with letting go.

In the car the other day, I was talking about "J" with the kids.  The mantra we've been using is that we're happy for him, but sad for us.  Charlotte asked me what that meant, so I told her that it's good that "J" gets to be with his family, but we can still be sad that we don't get to take care of him anymore.  She said, "does that mean we didn't love him enough?"  Oh, my.  Through tears I told her that, no, it means we loved him exactly like we were supposed to.

God is continuing to work in us, and we are standing with our arms and hearts and home wide open for whatever He has in store.

"Blessings" by Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

And all the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if each promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win, we know

That pain reminds this hearts,

That this is not, this is not our home.....

It's not our home

What if my greatest disappointments,

Or the aching of this life,

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.

What if trials of this life,

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise?

When You Don't Know What God is Doing

I had a whole post typed out for my readers.  It contained way too many unimportant details, but writing it was cathartic.  The long and short of my post was this:

• licensing for foster care took much longer than we'd planned
• a precious newborn, "J", was placed with us in November
• Michael and I got super duper attached
• after 1 day's notice, "J" left on Friday to live with a family member
• we are feeling broken, incomplete

Now here's where I can write my heart, without all the boring-to-everyone-but-me details :)

"J" is gone, and we may never see him again, and the weight of that is heavy on me right now.  My heart is broken.  I try to tell myself that if I wasn't sad, I didn't love "J" in the way I should.  Foster care is not supposed to be easy, most of the kids go home, we are a temporary stop in their journey, we are blessed that we could be a part of his life for a short time, our home is now available for other children that need us, and on and on and on.  I truly, truly believe all that.  But right now?  Right now my heart is broken because I loved and I lost.  Right now I worry that "J" is not being taken care of in the way that *I* would take care of him.  Right now I look at our empty bouncy seat and the lone sock I can't bear to pick up from our closet floor and the bottles that I haven't put away and the car that doesn't have the right number of children packed into it.  I don't feel the weight of his warm body against my chest as he sleeps, and I can't kiss his soft curly hair.  I know that I will not be woken up by a baby tonight because there is no baby here.  I have a voicemail on my phone reminding me of an appointment that I will not be taking him to.  He is everywhere and he is nowhere.

And so it goes.

We will heal, and we will grow from this process.  I don't understand God's plan.  I don't understand the brokenness that allowed "J" to come into foster care to begin with.  I don't understand why he was allowed to be with us for 9 weeks and then moved suddenly out of our lives.  But (isn't there always a but?).  But.  I *do* understand that God is faithful.  He is using us, and he is using "J".  On the night "J" left, Michael and I received the sweetest email from my mother-in-law, and it reminded me of God's work in and through us.  We see over and over the impact "J" has had on our friends and family. This loss for us has shown us in a mighty way that we have an amazing network of support ~ we have received meals, phone calls, messages, Bible verses, and many, many prayers.

The pain has been surprising in its depth, and yet I find myself yearning to do this again.  I still truly believe that God is calling our family to serve Him in this way, and while that does not make this part of the process easier, it has helped me to focus on the bigger picture of our lives, rather than only on this chapter.  We may not know what is ahead, but looking back only proves to me that God's plan for us is more perfect than we could have ever imagined.

from "Through It All" by Andrae Crouch

I've had many tears and sorrows,

I've had questions for tomorrow,

there's been times I didn't know right from wrong.

But in every situation,

God gave me blessed consulation,

that my trials come to only make me strong.

I've been to lots of places,

I've seen a lot of faces,

there's been times I felt so all alone.

But in my lonely hours,

yes, those precious lonely hours,

Jesus lets me know that I was His own

I thank God for the mountains,

and I thank Him for the valleys,

I thank Him for the storms He brought me through.

For if I'd never had a problem,

I wouldn't know God could solve them,

I'd never know what faith in God could do

NaBloPoMo! Homeschooling!

Well this year has just flown by, hasn't it?!  I barely blink, it seems, and it's been over 3 months since my last post.  But, have no fear!  NaBloPoMo is here!  I have a lot of catching up to do, so let's get started, shall we?

First off, my hard drive up and quit last week.  Like, one day my computer would turn on, and the next day it would not.  Fortunately Michael is a compulsive hoarder smart and resourceful husband, and had kept my old hard drive just in case this exact scenario happened.  Unfortunately, somehow in the transition Aperture (my photo editor) decided it did not want to open anymore.  Michael assures me that the photos (all 50,000+ of them) are still on my computer, I just can't access them right now.  So for tonight, you get pics from my phone :)

At the beginning of September, the journey of homeschooling two (plus a toddler for fun!) began, and I am loving so much about it!

Excited to start learning!

First day of Classical Conversations.  That's Milo and Isaac holding hands on their way to the childcare :)

Christopher Columbus craft time

Handwriting (yes, they do cursive)

Maya copies her history sentence to practice handwriting *and* memory work.

Charlotte is still working on her letters, and doing a pretty fantastic job for being barely 5 when we started!

Math with Mr. Demme

School field trip to the Akron Art Museum

School field trip to the pumpkin patch

Reading Comprehension (in case you can't tell, this is a rag doll, exactly like the ones they made in Little House in the Big Woods)

Freedom to take road trips!

Homeschool Halloween Party

Home Economics 

Milo, our free entertainment :)