Until We Meet Again

This afternoon we say our forever-goodbye to the two sweet toddlers that became an instant part of our family a little over a year ago. I am so happy for them, and their brothers, and their mama who has worked so hard. She's ready, they're ready, we're as ready as we can be.

Maya made each of them a coloring book.

Charlotte gave Baby Girl a stuffed animal with a note around its neck that said, "I hope you have a good time."

Milo gave them two Pokemon cards.

We will stand in the parking lot of the courthouse and give hugs and kisses and say "I love you"s. We will tell them that we are so excited that they get to go live with their mommy, even as our hearts break over what we once thought might be our forever-family.

We may or may not get to see them again.

I will continue to get reminder calls for appointments that I won't be taking them to.

I will wake up in the night imagining that I hear Little Man crying out for me.

I will find little reminders of them; a sock tucked inside a shirt sleeve, a hidden "just in case" stack of diapers, a sippy cup under the trampoline.

I will read "One Fish Two Fish" and remember that it was their favorite.

We will worry about how they are doing, and wonder if they think about us.

We've been counting down the days until they go home, but how do you explain to a three-year old what "forever" means? When he asks over and over how many sleeps until he sees his mommy, and then how many more until he sees you again.

We will pray for them and rest in the knowledge that God is not done writing their story.

We will take a break from this chaotic and beautiful foster life, and reconnect with the three amazing kids who have given up so much of our time and attention over the last year.

My heart already longs for the day we will take another sweet child into our home. Experience has taught me that, as much as I hate that foster care is needed, there can be beauty in the ashes.

Birth Mother's Day

Today is Birth Mother's Day.  

Baby Girl and Little Man call out "Mommy!" approximately 74 times an hour
to show a booboo they just discovered
to ask for help, or food, or water, or "up pease!"
to say something very important like "that man is mowing his lawn!" or "sometimes I call Otis a good puppy!" or "me NOT tired!" or "grandma has a garage at her house!"

Each time they call out "Mommy"
they mean me
and not Her

And when they see Her they call Her "mommy", too.  

And the truth is
I am their mommy
who wipes their tears
rocks them to sleep
encourages them to eat their vegetables
sits in the waiting room again and again and again and prays that the surgery will go well
comforts them when they are missing their brothers
lovingly corrects their mistakes
teaches them manners
gets hugs and kisses and "I love you!"s from two of the world's sweetest babies
makes mistakes every day but is doing her best

I am their mommy when someone does a double take at my shopping cart full of groceries and children and says, "are they all yours?!" 

and they are

and they aren't

And the truth is
She is their mommy
who carried them for 9 months in her belly and cried tears of joy when they were born
tried her hardest to keep them fed and clothed and safe
holds her arms wide as they run to her at their visit
cries as she straps them into my car when their visit is over
eagerly gives me her phone number so that she can talk to her babies
gets hugs and kisses and "I love you!"s from two of the world's sweetest babies

makes mistakes every day but is doing her best

And we're not that different, she and I

because we are both loved and cherished mommies

because we are both loved and cherished daughters of the King

because no sin is greater and no person less worthy of His love

So today I will treasure the two precious lives that She bore but that He has entrusted to me for this time
and at the same time I will pray for their "other Mommy"
because I am the one who gets to 
tuck them in

answer their questions

hear their sweet baby voices

watch them grow and learn and change

Because without Her

I would not be their mommy for now

On Bedtime

6 months ago, we struggled with bedtime.  3yo A and 1yo B would start crying as soon as they knew bedtime was near.  A was so tense he had trouble falling asleep, and even after he was asleep would have his fists clenched, muscles tight, heart racing.  He would wake up screaming multiple times every night.  B wanted to be in my lap, but facing outward, away from me, with as little of her body touching mine as possible. She preferred her head to be not on my arm, but on the cold, hard arm of the chair in which we rocked.  Night after night they both screamed while Michael and I tried desperately to comfort.  Some nights it took hours, and ended with me crying right along with them.  Naptime was much the same, but felt even more desperate as I prayed for a break in the middle of the very long days.

...

Today, B fell asleep for a nap while Sierra rocked her facing in.
Tonight after baths, A snuggled himself into bed (along with "Dog the Frog", his stuffed animal) before I even came into the room.
Tonight, B snuggled against me in our rocking chair and within minutes I felt her little body relax and her breathing become even.

...

We have a long way to go in this journey, and some days it is easier to focus on the many struggles we have before us.  But for tonight, I will thank God for the hard-won battles that we've faced over these last 6 months, and be grateful for his peace that passes all understanding that has and will continue to carry us through.

One

The first foster baby we ever had turned one today.  He was placed with us just 2 days after his birth, and stole our hearts nearly as quickly.  He became beloved brother, son, grandson, great-grandson, nephew, cousin, and was sweet baby "J" to all our friends.  All who met him fell in love with his big brown eyes, his soft baby curls, his melt-your-heart smile.  He was family.  And then, nearly as quickly as he'd entered our lives, he left.

I tried to be happy for him, but 9 months later it is still a struggle.  We are missing his first steps, first words, first foods.  We don't get to see his personality begin to come out and define who he will be.  We loved him without guard, without abandon.  We loved him like he deserved to be loved, and then we let him go.

Today our church celebrated student ministry Sunday, and I was blessed to see these awesome young men and women stand up in front of our community of believers and lead us in worship, pray with and for us, and share a little glimpse into their lives.  Two of the students were baptized this morning, and as they shared their testimonies, I thought about how proud their parents must be of the path their children are choosing.  What an amazing legacy they are leaving ~ 1 John 1:4 says, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.", and that is absolutely how I feel.  When Maya makes up songs that worship God or Charlotte tells me that her favorite activity is MOVE (children's choir) because "God and Jesus are the best things in the universe" or Milo tells me he was "yeally byave" in the car when he saw a spider because "I knew God was with me", my heart just about explodes.  It breaks my heart that, in most cases, I won't get to experience that with our foster babies, and more than that, that I won't know whether or not they are hearing the Truth.  They are in our lives when they are young, but most of the time will go back home or to family, and with little exception we will never hear from them or about them again.

The tears don't come as frequently now as they did when "J" first left, but they still sneak up on me every now and then.  When people tell me that they could never foster because they would get too attached, I have to just smile because getting too attached is exactly what these kids need.  We are told all the time that we are so great and so special and so amazing for doing what we do, and while I do appreciate the encouragement (believe me, on tough days sometimes that is all I have to go on!), you need to know that we are just average people, doing a hard thing and getting hurt over and over.  But we are also average people who are being blessed by doing exactly what God has called us to do.  This year has been a rollercoaster of high highs and low lows, and I'm thankful for each moment.

Worth It by Francesca Battistelli

Love's not a feeling, love's not convenient
But I know love can change your life
Love takes sacrifice, love cuts like a knife
Sometimes love will make you cry
Love's not easy but it's worth it

(his face is blurred in the pictures for privacy)

How Tall This Fall, 2015 Edition

We made our annual trip to the pumpkin patch a couple of weeks ago.  It is so fun to be able to look back at all the pictures of our kiddos over the years as our family has grown and changed!  This year we got to add two bonus kids to the group, even!  Little 3yo "A" is just about the most photogenic kid I've ever met, and I'm sad that I can't share his picture here because you all would melt into a puddle from his utter adorableness.  Baby sister 20mo "I" is also quite a cutie, though she is full of more spice than sugar and only smiles on her own terms ;-)  Both of the kids have won the hearts of all who have met them, and I'm so thankful to share these traditions with them!

Side-note ~ turns out I didn't blog last year's pumpkin patch pictures!!!  So bonus for my awesome readers, you get to see new pictures from this year AND last year!  The rest you may have seen before ;)

Other side-note ~ I miss Milo's long hair!  Sorry Mama, I'm letting it grow out again!

Previous years:

2014

 

 

 

2013

 

2012

2011

2010

2009

Oh. My. Goodness.

2008

2007

Maya was approximately 2 weeks old in this picture.